Cassie Kerns #51
Eating disorder awareness week… or whatever.
Anorexia/ bulimia (cocktail of the two) = drug of choice
Helped cope with severe codependency issues and sexual abuse
Entered inpatient treatment at Selah House in April of 2010-July 2010
2010- current : learning what its like to actually live (yes I have had countless relapses, but that is part of the process)
The only way I survived was God and people
Addictions are hard. They have a root and often the root is hard to find for we allowed our yards and gardens to become overrun by weeds. To a point we cant even see our own hands. Ridden with anxiety.. depression… guilt… shame… all things that don’t come from light.. they come from the darkness. Only the strong survive. Only the ones willing to lay down everything they have, including everything that is most important to them, can survive and thrive. The ones that admit they have made a mess of things and submit to being changed, rewired, resomething. The ones that release their grip on the rope of control and fall into the light. For only light can reveal, expose, and heal the wounds that cover your soul. Light. Chose to live in the light. Its a daily struggle. Everyday making a conscious choice to make smart decisions even when tired/rundown.. for you know when you are mentally tired the enemy will attack harder. the voices will you have kept at bay will come in and play kick ball with whatever they find.
it is true. one day at a time. one moment at a time. Because if you look at the larger picture you become overwhelmed and toss your psyche into a clusterfuck. so breathe. take a moment… and realize what the goal is here. The difficult thing with Eating disorders… is you need food to survive. You cant quit cold turkey. Death. So everyday you spend time with the once so called enemy and speak truth to it.. say you have no control over me.. you are just food. You ask the questions of should I eat that? Shouldnt I eat that? Scared shitless because you have no idea if eating a cookie will turn into a complete out of control binge and purge? Asking yourself am I really hungry? I mean I havent eaten for 12 hours so i should eat something. And confessing years ago you sewed the mouth shut to the voice that tells you when you need food. So you don’t know if and when you are hungry. “ Just eat” they say. Skin crawling. Breathe.
You win battles and you lose battles. As long as you continue to stand up. Dust yourself off. Pick up the weapons and armor to fight once more.
I chose to get help, one.. bc i couldn’t successfully kill myself.. and two bc i couldn’t successfully kill myself I might as well try to fix the problem. I admitted I have nothing left in this fight and allowed people to walk beside me and help de-weed my garden. I chose to let people into my fortressed castle .. into my world, in order to expose the lies and the toxic trash I didnt clean up. The last guest I had was when I was a little girl. I owe my survival to God, family, and friends.. and to myself. You cant do it alone, for you were created out of love and to be in relationship with others.
Any way…I am saying eating disorders are real. Its not about food. Its about feeling in control when everything else is out of control. It helps to numb the pain. There is a lot more I could say and address… but i feel my summation will suffice. But also want to be hope to those that struggle. Allow the light in. Allow God and people into your hell….your bubble… your world. Its hard. Its messy. But … i promise you…. it will be the most beautiful, amazing, metamorphic THING that enters your life. It will change you. You will be able to feel again. Chose life. Chose Recovery. Chose the light. For you have a purpose only you can fill.
love- Cassie
